BookSmacked Banter

How To Turn A Woman & Man Crazy With One Convo


I’m sitting in a Joe’s and Hoe’s coffee shop,  furiously typing away getting all the blog posts ready to go for the week.  I’m a book blogger, my appetite for books and coffee is insatiable. I pick up my steamy mug of goodness and take a healthy sip. The coffee shop is packed as always, but I’m an early bird and always sit in the corner. The owners and staff know me by name and pretty much know my order off by heart. There are two girls sitting at the table beside me and their valley girl voices are getting on my nerves. I can’t help but overhear their convo.


“So I started reading this book, it has so much tragedy I mean how dumb how incredibly stupid right, that isn’t realistic Kandy”  

“ You didn’t pay for that Mandy, did you” replied Kandy in horror.

“ Yeah, there’s no other way is there?”

“Of course there is. There are these sites where you can download books for free. Even if they are like 99c on Amazon.”


My face is turning an unhealthy shade of red, and I am gripping my coffee mug so tight that I think I might break it. I momentarily think to myself this is fucked, I have the strength of SuperWoman, it makes sense since one day I will end up marrying Henry Cavill and ya know he’s Superman so it totally makes sense. Shit, where was I oh yeah. Mandy and Kandy, right? What in the ever loving fuck are these bitches talking about, god I’m getting angrier and angrier.


“Damn Kandy, I had like no idea you could do that you need to send me the links to those sites.”

“For sure I will, I mean only rich people can afford books it’s really unfair, I mean these Authors shouldn’t expect that we can all afford their books.”

“ I know right? I mean we do have all these holidays and dinner dates. We can’t afford books too, gee”

“”I’m going to go get another coffee, you want one” Kandy gets up from the table and look over at Mandy waiting for her answer

“Of course I do, I’ll take a Venti, No Foam, Extra shot, skinny chai latte”


I’ve realized at this point that I have such a hard grip on my butter knife that I may very well draw blood at this point. I need to talk to someone now!!! I’m about to fucking explode. I grab my phone and quickly go into messenger, someone needs to talk me down before I cut some bitches.

Stacey. She will talk me down. I furiously type away taking my aggression out on my laptop.


SOS I NEED YOU TO GET HERE NOW “ There that should do it.

She quickly replies with “ Ot oh, I will be there in 5”


“ Ok spill” I look up to see Stacey standing next to me with hands on her hips and her mom face on. I yank Stacey down to the chair next to me and proceed to tell her as quietly as I can the convo I have overheard with the two girls at the next table.


Stacey looks at me in horror and immediately her eyes go over to the table to look at the girls who are getting up and about to leave the Joe’s and Hoe’s. She then looks back at me and down to where my hand is still gripping the knife that I used to butter my muffin.


“Oh shit!!” Stacey whispers and immediately tries to pry my deathlike grip from said knife.


“Ok Mel time for you to go home, lord knows that I don’t want to have to call your husband to bail you outta jail for committing murder.” Stacey closes my laptop and puts it in the bag for me as I am sitting there trying to calm the fuck down.


A few hours later……


“What the fuck!!!” John walks into the bedroom and looks down to find his wife in the corner banging her head against the wall. “Babe, what the hell is wrong are you ok?”


He’s a little hesitant to approach her and starts thinking to himself.


“I took out the garbage.”

“Her birthday isn’t until Sept”

“Fuck, ,fuck what did I do now”


He sees her stop banging her head against the wall and take a deep breath and lift herself up off the floor. He immediately takes a few steps back and looks around to find some sort of protection for himself.

“ Idiots. So many idiots in this world John. I can’t cope. But I have rectified it. I have spent $100 on paperbacks. You are home tomorrow right? They are coming tomorrow”

“$100?? Seriously Mel? What the fuck?” John starts hyperventilating while pacing the room.

“ It’s a good thing John, these authors needs us. People are ripping them off, I heard a convo today about people using piracy sites I had to!do something” Mel goes over to John gives him a kiss on the cheek and wraps her arms around him. “I feel so much better now, babe, thanks hun”


He watches her strut out of the bedroom and rubs his hands down his face. Looking up to the sky he thinks to himself.


Good lord, I’ve married a fucking lunatic!!!


He slides down the wall with his head in his hands and curls up in a fetal position muttering “ For better or worse” over and over.


Moral of the story? Don’t use pirate sites!

You could cause a man somewhere to have a meltdown!

PS. Thanks to Stacey Davies for helping talk me down from that ledge and helping to turn it into this little word vomit story that I hope you all enjoyed


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